My Cat Threw Up Cheese

so here i am, nicest cat owner in the world, trying to do the lil shit a favor.  i like to consider myself smarter than the general public, i did go to high school after all, so i thought i'd whip out some of my calculus skills to do some good.  this morning i was on a bunch of ketamine watching my collection of tom and jerry episodes and the most genius idea came to me, as would be expected.  hear me out... cats love to eat mice... mice love to eat cheese.  therefore, by that tricky calculus transitive shit cats really just love cheese and have no other way of getting to it.  astounded at my revelation, i quickly (well, quickly relative to the fact that i was on ketamine.. so actually very slowly) got up, threw out my bastard feline's food, and refilled the bowl with the cheese off a taco i threw away last week.  the fur-ball-of-herpes was reluctant at first, but after a few days he realized it wasn't getting replaced.  tough love, but i wanted the shit to get what was best for him.

next thing i know he pukes up this mess of cheese, grass, and what looks like a little blood.  oh well.  last time i feed that fucker something good.  kinda like the time i fed my neighbor's dog some sweet chocolate.  a normal dog would die to get chocolate.  his just, well, died.



My Cat Threw Up Earthworm Jim.

don't you love it when your cat throws up something that reminds you of your childhood?  earthworm jim was the shit.  but, obviously, this is not earthworm jim.  it's my cat's tapeworm.  and to think that mongrel vet tried to make me pay an assload of cash for some treatment.  for that much money i could just throw this fucker away, in the process probably find a new kitten in a garbage bag (they just turn up everywhere!), and buy myself some fancy new shoes.

luckily, i'm a thrifty spender and knew that all i needed to do was stuff the assclown into a pillowcase, swirl the shit around for a little while, exhale some cigar smoke into it every now and then, then pour the puss onto the floor and... presto! bye bye tapeworm.  and i didn't have to spend any money on entertainment last night.



My Cat Threw Up A Giant Statue Of Jesus In Poland.

why stop at magical sprinkles?  i guess this magnificent puke is due to the combination of the whole "microwave thing" and the fact that i was hurting for rohypnol money this week, so i just stole a bunch of stale little crackers from a church to feed my hungry fuckin mooch cat.  and before anyone gives me shit for this being "unethical" or "infuriatingly inappropriate," you should see how much cat food costs these days.  talk about infuriating.

eat your heart out, rio de janeiro.  then come eat these little crackers, because my picky ass cat (a creature which eats its own placenta, mind you) refuses to eat anymore of them.



My Cat Threw Up Magic Sprinkles.



no shit.  i got a regular david blane on my hands.  i guess those two minutes in the microwave right after his whore of a mother pooped him out did have a lasting effect.  a magical lasting effect.  next let's see if he can throw up some kitty litter and hemorrhoid cream and finally make himself useful.

you know how i know my cat's magical?  cause he's like a new age toxic avenger.  the ungrateful twat will thank me one day when they make action figures of him.





My Cat Threw Up What I Imagine The Inside of Stress Balls Looks Like

this straight up looks like what i always imagined was on the inside of a stress ball.  unfortunately, i've never squeezed a stress ball hard enough to see whether or not this is accurate.  luckily, i did squeeze my cat hard enough to obtain this mystery substance.  now i'll package it in balloons, write clever sayings on them, and sell them to people having bad days.

then their days will get worse when the balloon breaks and they're covered in cat puke.  that'll teach them not to bitch about their days.  kind of how i tought my asshole cat not to sit on my pillow, except i did that via squeezing.

My Cat Threw Up A Strange Liquid.

got ya, fucker.  i bet that was fun to throw up.  messing with your god leads to no food for you.  no food for you leads to me waking up to you dry-heaving in the bathroom.  i didn't know my cat was a skeezy sorority girl.

luckily, due to the liquid nature of this spew, i was able to "go green" and save some paper towels by just flipping the cat over and using it (or "him/her" for all you vegeterians) to swiffer the shit up.



My Cat Threw Up Danish Butter Cookies.



 it's not like i needed that notebook this morning, and those weren't my favorite cookies or anything. dick.

it may just look like they're just crushed up cookies, but that's probably because i forgot to give the doucher water today.  if this is his cute way of having revenge: two can play that game.   let's wait and see who gets fed tomorrow, asshole.