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so here i am, nicest cat owner in the world, trying to do the lil shit a favor. i like to consider myself smarter than the general public, i did go to high school after all, so i thought i'd whip out some of my calculus skills to do some good. this morning i was on a bunch of ketamine watching my collection of tom and jerry episodes and the most genius idea came to me, as would be expected. hear me out... cats love to eat mice... mice love to eat cheese. therefore, by that tricky calculus transitive shit cats really just love cheese and have no other way of getting to it. astounded at my revelation, i quickly (well, quickly relative to the fact that i was on ketamine.. so actually very slowly) got up, threw out my bastard feline's food, and refilled the bowl with the cheese off a taco i threw away last week. the fur-ball-of-herpes was reluctant at first, but after a few days he realized it wasn't getting replaced. tough love, but i wanted the shit to get what was best for him. next thing i know he pukes up this mess of cheese, grass, and what looks like a little blood. oh well. last time i feed that fucker something good. kinda like the time i fed my neighbor's dog some sweet chocolate. a normal dog would die to get chocolate. his just, well, died. |
